I don't usually make New Year's resolutions that actually better me in any way; last year I decided that I wanted to see every full moon of 2016, which only helped if you believe that I was basking monthly in the warm white welcoming glow of Mother Gaia.
This year, however, I actually have some things I'd like to get done. I have New Years resolutions that are practical and even generous. And I’m posting about them now instead of at the New Year like everyone else because it’s now April and I haven’t done a single thing from my list yet. There are only three items on my list. It’s pathetic. I need to post it publicly so there’s some accountability for my laziness, and here it is:
1) I will donate blood more frequently
I'm O-, so I feel like it's my duty to give blood. What am I using it for anyway? All I gotta do is sit in a chair for fifteen minutes and then go home and lay on the couch and eat cookies. If you have something that could save someone’s life, and you do not need it, goddamn don't be selfish. I’m already an organ donor, even though I can't imagine that I've treated myself well enough for anything on or in me to be viable. Donating blood is one of those things that I always say I'll do but then the signs for the local blood drive pop up and suddenly I decide I’m busy or too tired or whatever my social anxiety decides to call it that day. It's like when I try going to the gym. Or the doctor. Or the store. Or outside of my bedroom. Life is grand.
Anyway, unless you have some condition that makes your organs undonateable, you should donate blood and be an organ donor. Tell your friends they should be organ donors, and don’t make friends with people who aren’t organ donors. In fact, don't sleep with anyone who isn't an organ donor. Because if they're selfish with their organs when they're dead, what makes you think they’ll be generous with their organs in bed? Eh? Eh??
It wasn’t my resolution to be less funny, but here we are.
Anyway, unless you have some condition that makes your organs undonateable, you should donate blood and be an organ donor. Tell your friends they should be organ donors, and don’t make friends with people who aren’t organ donors. In fact, don't sleep with anyone who isn't an organ donor. Because if they're selfish with their organs when they're dead, what makes you think they’ll be generous with their organs in bed? Eh? Eh??
It wasn’t my resolution to be less funny, but here we are.
2) I will wear all of my crop tops
This goes for all of my clothes, of which I have grossly too many, considering how I usually pick one sundress at the end of spring and wear it till it’s leggings weather again. And yet I find myself weak at the sight of a crop top. I have about ten of them, and that is a generous underestimation. So in 2017, when the weather permits, I will wear my crop tops as my torso intended. It will force me from any lingering insecurities, any negative feelings about my body, and also keep my midriff nice and cool.
“But Johanna, you’re so skinny, how do you have body insecurities?”
Because society. Moving on.
By forcing myself to incorporate all of my crop tops into my everyday fashion, maybe I won't have to spend money on crop tops. I know they're only like $3 a pop at Forever21 (praise be unto thee) but that only incentivizes me to buy them in packs of twelve, like a carton of eggs. Or in packs of thirteen, like a bag of donuts. Or in packs of twenty-five, like a carton of donut holes.
Is anyone else hungry?
“But Johanna, you’re so skinny, how do you have body insecurities?”
Because society. Moving on.
By forcing myself to incorporate all of my crop tops into my everyday fashion, maybe I won't have to spend money on crop tops. I know they're only like $3 a pop at Forever21 (praise be unto thee) but that only incentivizes me to buy them in packs of twelve, like a carton of eggs. Or in packs of thirteen, like a bag of donuts. Or in packs of twenty-five, like a carton of donut holes.
Is anyone else hungry?
3) I will fuck concert hula hoopers straight to Hell
Not literally. I will not literally be bedding people at concerts who hula hoop in the crowd, no matter if they're organ donors or not. But 2017 is the year that I will no longer tolerate these stupid idiot dummy morons. I said it last year too, but this year I am making it public in hopes that you too will fight against this tyrannical hippies who colonize precious crowd space with a swinging death hoop. If you are one of these people, then I am talking directly to you. Good crowd real estate is a commodity, and the only fair and just way of acquiring a lot of it is by a) having friends to help, or b) being a big and expressive dancer. You must earn that space with body alone. If you're not as good at that as I am, then that is your problem. Stop making it mine.
I don't even understand why you would find it fun. You're barely watching the music, and you're not moving to the beat. There is no reason for you to need to be closer to the music than the rest of us. In fact, there's ample reason for you to be farther from it, like the fact that you're an active danger to those standing around you.
Is it because you practiced real hard and you want everyone to see it? Well, I see it. Sweet skills you got there, homeslice. Too bad you've muscled four people out of their dance space so you can occupy it with a children's toy. I'm sick of being knocked in the elbow by someone who doesn't realize that the front of the stage is for people who came to see the show, not watch you swing a heavy plastic tube around your hips. Oh, wow, you can do it around your neck? Cool, I'm fearing for the safety of my head now, too! I hate you.
“But Johanna, its how I express myself to music!”
Neat! Some people express their love of music through painting, but if someone squatted in the middle of the crowd with a paint easel you would think they were an asshole. At least a painter is stationary, and doesn't wiggle around unsteadily in a dangerous drunken dance. Go to the edge of the crowd. Go find space that is already available. You will probably find some stoners there who are thrilled to see a hula hoop performance. If there isn't, then find another way to express yourself. The painters did. Don't carve it out where people and elbows live.
It's especially insulting at the music festival I go to annually, when the asshole hula hoopers perform their unwanted bullshit to a band comprised of Native Americans who are doing their traditional hoop dance. You're ruining the experience of everyone around you who is trying to appreciate this culture’s expression by doing a shittier, meaningless version of it. It's like going to a Bat Mitzfah and doing a lap dance to an empty chair while they do the Hora. Look at what you're doing, white girl. Actually, never mind. You probably also have white girl dreads so you're not going to listen to anything about anything.
I don't even understand why you would find it fun. You're barely watching the music, and you're not moving to the beat. There is no reason for you to need to be closer to the music than the rest of us. In fact, there's ample reason for you to be farther from it, like the fact that you're an active danger to those standing around you.
Is it because you practiced real hard and you want everyone to see it? Well, I see it. Sweet skills you got there, homeslice. Too bad you've muscled four people out of their dance space so you can occupy it with a children's toy. I'm sick of being knocked in the elbow by someone who doesn't realize that the front of the stage is for people who came to see the show, not watch you swing a heavy plastic tube around your hips. Oh, wow, you can do it around your neck? Cool, I'm fearing for the safety of my head now, too! I hate you.
“But Johanna, its how I express myself to music!”
Neat! Some people express their love of music through painting, but if someone squatted in the middle of the crowd with a paint easel you would think they were an asshole. At least a painter is stationary, and doesn't wiggle around unsteadily in a dangerous drunken dance. Go to the edge of the crowd. Go find space that is already available. You will probably find some stoners there who are thrilled to see a hula hoop performance. If there isn't, then find another way to express yourself. The painters did. Don't carve it out where people and elbows live.
It's especially insulting at the music festival I go to annually, when the asshole hula hoopers perform their unwanted bullshit to a band comprised of Native Americans who are doing their traditional hoop dance. You're ruining the experience of everyone around you who is trying to appreciate this culture’s expression by doing a shittier, meaningless version of it. It's like going to a Bat Mitzfah and doing a lap dance to an empty chair while they do the Hora. Look at what you're doing, white girl. Actually, never mind. You probably also have white girl dreads so you're not going to listen to anything about anything.
Anyway, I resolve to kindly ask these people to relocate, and if that doesn't work, then I will not give them the space they are trying to make. I will remain strong in their hooping space until the hoop is gone. I will brave the bruises and stand my ground. I vow to lay a personal smackdown to any hoop that gets in my way while I’m in a dancing crowd.
That goes equally for your devil sticks and those weird invisible wand things. Fuck off. I hate you.
That goes equally for your devil sticks and those weird invisible wand things. Fuck off. I hate you.
Photos:
Arctic woman
Meme lady: (fucking Google she's everywhere)
Annoying bullshit gloves: buy them here then unfriend me on Facebook