1) I will donate blood more frequently
Anyway, unless you have some condition that makes your organs undonateable, you should donate blood and be an organ donor. Tell your friends they should be organ donors, and don’t make friends with people who aren’t organ donors. In fact, don't sleep with anyone who isn't an organ donor. Because if they're selfish with their organs when they're dead, what makes you think they’ll be generous with their organs in bed? Eh? Eh??
It wasn’t my resolution to be less funny, but here we are.
2) I will wear all of my crop tops
“But Johanna, you’re so skinny, how do you have body insecurities?”
Because society. Moving on.
By forcing myself to incorporate all of my crop tops into my everyday fashion, maybe I won't have to spend money on crop tops. I know they're only like $3 a pop at Forever21 (praise be unto thee) but that only incentivizes me to buy them in packs of twelve, like a carton of eggs. Or in packs of thirteen, like a bag of donuts. Or in packs of twenty-five, like a carton of donut holes.
Is anyone else hungry?
3) I will fuck concert hula hoopers straight to Hell
I don't even understand why you would find it fun. You're barely watching the music, and you're not moving to the beat. There is no reason for you to need to be closer to the music than the rest of us. In fact, there's ample reason for you to be farther from it, like the fact that you're an active danger to those standing around you.
Is it because you practiced real hard and you want everyone to see it? Well, I see it. Sweet skills you got there, homeslice. Too bad you've muscled four people out of their dance space so you can occupy it with a children's toy. I'm sick of being knocked in the elbow by someone who doesn't realize that the front of the stage is for people who came to see the show, not watch you swing a heavy plastic tube around your hips. Oh, wow, you can do it around your neck? Cool, I'm fearing for the safety of my head now, too! I hate you.
“But Johanna, its how I express myself to music!”
Neat! Some people express their love of music through painting, but if someone squatted in the middle of the crowd with a paint easel you would think they were an asshole. At least a painter is stationary, and doesn't wiggle around unsteadily in a dangerous drunken dance. Go to the edge of the crowd. Go find space that is already available. You will probably find some stoners there who are thrilled to see a hula hoop performance. If there isn't, then find another way to express yourself. The painters did. Don't carve it out where people and elbows live.
It's especially insulting at the music festival I go to annually, when the asshole hula hoopers perform their unwanted bullshit to a band comprised of Native Americans who are doing their traditional hoop dance. You're ruining the experience of everyone around you who is trying to appreciate this culture’s expression by doing a shittier, meaningless version of it. It's like going to a Bat Mitzfah and doing a lap dance to an empty chair while they do the Hora. Look at what you're doing, white girl. Actually, never mind. You probably also have white girl dreads so you're not going to listen to anything about anything.
That goes equally for your devil sticks and those weird invisible wand things. Fuck off. I hate you.