This is for the rest of you apish males, the ones who make me uncomfortable by hooting like lunatics when me and my friends try to walk home from the bar. This is for the ass hats who feel entitled to get rid of a boner on whatever woman they please, regardless of her say in the matter.
Mostly, this is for all the mother fuckers who ruined my second favorite fruit. I'm talking about the banana.
However, I'm also not an idiot. I had a banana with me, but I was surrounded by drunk college men, societies most aggressively hyper-sexual creatures. So I didn't peel and eat it like a normal person. I broke off pieces and ate it in chunks. Problem solved, right?
Lol, your optimism for drunk frat guys is adorable. One guy looked at me and the bit of fruit in my hand, grinned, raised an eyebrow and asked, "How's that banana treating you?" with a...sexy voice? I think he was trying to be sexy. So I did what any reasonable lady would do.
I gave him a flirty smile, broke off another chunk of banana, a big, long one, winked...then shoved it into my mouth with a flat palm like a two-year-old foregoing a spoon. Bits of banana fell out of my now stuffed full mouth. I'm not great at being seductive and sexy, but being a disgusting pig monster is a territory I dominate.
I had hoped that this would have a response of disgusted wtf, and it did. But he also looked somehow offended, then said sarcastically, "Well, that was sexy."
To which I responded, with a mouth full of banana, "I'm not trying to be sexy, I'm trying to eat a fucking fruit without being bothered with blow jobs!" He did not understand my point. After all, how dare I try to eat food without also considering eating dick?
That's when it really hit me just how absurd it is that bananas are so sexualized. There are sexual ways to eat bananas, to be sure. But there are sexual ways to eat a lot of things. Such as strawberries...
As it is, I have never, ever, not even once, eaten a banana while thinking about a penis, for a number of reasons. They're soft, sweet smelling, and curved in a way that should alarm most men. I have never second guessed a banana. No one ever tries to put me in the mood for a banana. I have never been surprised with a banana and thought anything other than, "Sweet, a banana!" And no woman in the history of womankind has ever put on a tight little dress with the hopes of bringing home a nice ripe banana. A banana shopping outfit is closer to sweatpants and hoodies, because a banana is found in the produce section, which is, of course, among the least sexy of the grocery store sections.
Speaking of produce themed sexual harassment, there was another time that I was grocery shopping and I went to buy a cucumber. I picked one up and before I could put it in my basket, I made eye contact with a much older ugly ass man who grinned and did a little eyebrow dance at me, nodding at the vegetable in my hand. If he wanted me to draw comparisons between what I intended on doing with that cucumber and what I intended on doing with his dick, I absolutely could. And I will.
"Hey, baby. I'm gonna take this home, take it out, and put it in my mouth. And oooh, I'm going to swallow. But not before I use a metal blade to peel the skin off, slice it up, sprinkle it with salt and pepper, and put it on cottage cheese. Then I'm going to stab it with my fork and grind it up with my teeth and send it into my stomach to be digested with stomach acid and eventually turned into feces, to be expelled from my lower half. Mmm, so sexy. Hey, where are you going? I never got your number!"
It's just absurd that men assume that a piece of food is sexual because it could conceivably resemble a penis. It takes one innocuous Google search to discover that people get off on inherently non-sexual things, and none of them have to have any phallic qualities at all. Like octopuses. And feet. And children.
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