Brain: Listen, it doesn’t count as going out and spending money if you do it at home. Online shopping saves gas money, and you can spend money on alcohol so long as you drink it at home. Everybody knows that. This way, you don't even risk meeting new people!
Me: But…I like meeting new people.
Brain: Really? But you’re so bad at it. You hit someone last time you went out.
Me: Because you never let me practice, Miss Online-Shopping-and-Drinking-at-Home.
Brain: Yeah, think of the gas money!
Me: Think of the shipping costs!
Brain: It’s free shipping if you spend thirty more dollars.
Me: Do you even hear yourself?!
Brain: What do I look like, ears?
Ears: Myself was ringing, might I assist in some endeavor?
Me: Go away, this doesn’t concern you.
Brain: Oh, are we shutting down the ears? Can do.
Me: No—what? No!
Brain: Jesus, make up your mind. By the way, there was something important that you needed to do today.
Me: *sighs* What is it?
Brain: Fuck if I know.
Me: Shouldn’t you be worried about forgetting something?
Brain: Nah, you can handle that.
Me: Okay, let me think for a second...
Brain: How about instead, we relive that part in your dream?
Me: Oh, the part where I could fly? That was fun. Show me that again.
Brain: No, the part where you discovered that the world was ending and all you wanted to do was go see your family but you were trapped in a mansion with endless rooms and every door just led you to another hallway and everyone there was acting like nothing was wrong and trying to make you stay and then zombies appeared because why not aren't zombies terrifying here it is look at it look at it now!
Me: Holy hell why are you doing this to me?! Now I'm having a panic attack and I still can't remember what I was supposed to do today!
Brain: You know what'll cheer you up?
Me: Don't say it.
Brain: Come on, you’ve had six things in your Amazon account for weeks. The computer’s upstairs, let’s go.
Heart: *panting* Please…no…stairs…not…again…
Me: Yeah, we should really work out more.
Heart: Do you...mean...fucking ever?!
Stomach: I want a cheeseburger.
Me: Oh god, who woke up stomach?
Stomach: We can work out once I has cheez bugurr. Carbs. Plz.
Brain: You know what’s better than working out? Drinking wine and buying new underwear online. Aerie's having a sale!
Me: Aerie is always having a god damn sale!
Brain: Yeah, but I don't know that.
Me: THAT MAKES NO SENSE! NONE OF THIS MAKES ANY SENSE! HOW IS THIS ARGUMENT EVEN TAKING PLACE?!
Brain: Now, where is that bottle?
Me: STOP THAT. Hand, you don’t have to listen to her. Don’t—wait—put down that bottle--
Stomach: Wine is approved.
Liver: LEAVE ME ALONE! WHATEVER YOU'RE DOING, FOR ONCE LEAVE ME OUT OF IT! WHAT DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!
Me, Brain, & Stomach: Pipe down, sissy.
Stomach: Bur. Gers. Plz.
Me: Wait, what's this email? Order confirmation for—oh, god dammit! What do I need seven more pairs of underwear for? I only have one ass! And I already own this bra!
Brain: Listen, stupid, the deal was seven pairs of panties for $26.50, and you don't have that bra in this color.
Me: Fuck my life. Fuck my everything. Just, all of it. It's all fucked. Where's that bottle?
Stomach: Yes wine.
Liver: DEAR GOD NO! WHY MUST I FACE THE PUNISHMENTS FOR YOUR MISGIVINGS?!
Me: Oh my god, do you ever shut up?
Brain: Seriously, Liver, you are such a bummer. Whoa, that's a big glass you're pouring. Guess I'll see you guys tomorrow!
Me: Anything to shut you up.
Brain: Don't forget to drink lots of water, and maybe put some ibuprofen by the bed for the morning.
Me: You'd like that, wouldn't you?
Brain: I mean...you would, too...
Me: No way. If I'm going down, I'm taking you with me.
Brain: Wait, maybe the wine isn't such a good idea.
Liver: OH THANK GOD!
Me: Sorry, you shut down the ears. I can't hear you.
Brain: No, that was just a joke! See, you can hear just fine—good lord, what are we listening to?
Ears: I love this song! Ke$ha is the ultimate drinking music.
Mouth: How the hell do I pronounce that dollar sign?
Stomach: WHERE ARE MY BURGERS.
Brain: I can feel myself losing cells. Please, I'm sorry, just--just drink some water, please?
Me: Jesus turned the water into wine, so this is like Jesus water. Bottoms up.
Brain: No, wait! I'm sorry! Maybe we can--we can return the Aerie stuff!
Me: Nah, these panties are cute. Lookit this pair, can you say adrobable—adorbable— *hiccup* Like, supes adorbs.
Brain: Stop it! Please! Liver, do something!
Brain: Damn, dude, what are you even good for? And would someone PLEASE turn this shit off?!
Stomach: CARBS. NOW.
Ears: *singing* Let's make the most of the night like we're gonna die young...
Brain: By the looks of things, that may very well happen.
Biological Clock: Hiss...not that young...precious...hiss…not very young at all, are we? hiss...babies...hissssss...
Brain: Oh god, woman, drink! DRINK! MAKE IT STOP!!
Me: *guzzling straight from the bottle in desperate terror*
Mouth: Jeez, you could have let me stretch before taking me on that guzzling binge. So, nobody's got any ideas about that dollar sign conundrum, do they? Jury's still out on that one? I guess so. I suppose it could just be an aesthetic thing, though it doesn't really make much sense for her to use a dollar sign because her songs are about drinking cheap liquor and being broke. Who am I talking to? Is anyone left around here? Brain? Are you there? ...Good god. I'm alone. I have free reign. Suck it, Brain! You can't stop me now! I'm going to take us out to the bar and repulse some attractive men with my lengthy deconstruction of the feminist symbolism found in Harry Potter. Books and movies. Because when the Brain goes away, the Mouth comes out to play...heh heh...