Remember that time you asked me why kids these days are spending so much time playing video games instead of hanging out with you, and I told you it was just radiation from their Giga Pets messing with their priorities? Yeah, I lied to make you feel better. Firstly, nobody has bought a Giga Pet since Clinton’s first in-office blowjay, so that should have been your first clue. The truth is that you have a lot to offer the world; you’re like a year-round Santa Claus with a bag full of amazingly imaginative stories, facts that I can’t believe are about the world I live in, and timeless influential literature, providing us with a cumulative narrative about our global history and culture experienced in the personal abstract space of our ever-expanding minds.
But you as, like, a thing? I’m literally only sitting behind this desk because I’m being paid to. I’ve been breathing this quiet, stagnant air and organizing all your shit in your specific god damn order (seriously, if you’re that anal about it, do it yourself) and listening to awkwardly stifled coughs and sneezes for the past six hours for the soul purpose of living in a capitalist society which requires me to make money.
You’re boring as fuck. That’s all there is to it.