Meanwhile, my mother is originally from the wrong side of Germany, managing to get the hell out of dodge before shit could get entirely too real. The family then moved to the Bronx. I don't think I need to describe to you the terror with which a German accent can deliver even the most innocent of sentences, and the obnoxiousness that the accents of any of the five New York City boroughs can burn through your nerves with. Also it probably goes without saying that these accents, much like Rochester, are never imitated with a quiet voice. It's not something you really notice when my mom talks until you really, really listen. After a few conversations, you'll ask yourself something like, "Wait, has she been saying 'shivah' instead of 'shiver' all along? How did I not notice that?" It's an unforeseen consequence of escaping the clutches of an evil dictator.
And then these two unattractive accents met, and my current speech was born.
Like I said, I'm used to it. But what really bothers me is the word "horror." Let me clarify, because you've already come with me this far on this rambling journey: I love when the word "horror" is used in literature. For starters, it's just so instantly effective. Not so much when we say that something is "horrible," because that word is applied to both a tragic national incident and a stale donut at the mall. But when someone has a "look of horror" on their face, we know right away that the thing causing it is truly an abject mutant of human decency.
Don't worry, I've already yelled this at myself to save you the trouble:
Until, of course, it comes out of my stupid face-hole.
That word has just too many god damn R's for a Rochestarian to handle, so right from the get-go, I'm totally fucked. The most natural way for me to attempt this word comes out sounding exactly like the word "whore," which would make many a Poe story quite entertaining, but frightened the hell out of my aunt when nine-year-old me told her that my favorite musical was "Little Shop of Whores." Me saying horror is like if the Red Death took off it's corpse-like mask to reveal Pee Wee Herman underneath.
It only gets worse when I try to fix it. I took a hint from my mom and tried the Bronx thing for a while, saying something that closely resembled "horah," but was more like, "horrar." It's like when Toto pulls aside the curtain to reveal the real wizard, except it's some chain-smoking trailer-park stereotype scratching her lotto cards with her thumbnail. Just...so disappointing.
Now everybody have fun going through this and searching for grammatical errors.
**Before anyone gets in a tizzy about it, this is me highlighting how stupid the "boys will be boys" argument is by using it on an abstract symbol. I understand that rape is not funny and that no one ever deserves it. Now calm the hell down.
***LOTR and GOT references in two sentences? Nerd win.
Holy shit I think they're all legal to use. Is this adulthood?