True life: I'm addicted to Pinterest.
My interest in Pinterest (eh? eh??) has not waned, but my participation has lessened greatly now that I'm not desperate for procrastination while writing term papers. Still, every now and then I'll do the old "oh hey I haven't been on Pinterest for a while I wonder what's up just for a few minutes of course I'll just pin a couple things doo dee da doo well that was fun what time is it HOLY MOTHER OF GOD IT'S BEEN HOW LONG WHEN DID IT START SNOWING WHAT YEAR IS THIS!!" You know, that old story.
Whenever I pin my way down that rabbit hole, I find a particular string of pins that never fail to cheer me up. They all have a similar title: # ways to tell if ______; # reasons you should ______; # signs _____; or just the classic 'how to tell ______' style list. Some of the lists are actually good, probably. Maybe. Possibly? Let's face it, some of these list titles on their own would just be Facebook fodder, something I might click while eating breakfast, because who doesn't like to be scared shitless over a bowl of Kix first thing in the morning by an article such as 8 Period Symptoms You Should Get Checked Out ASAP? Spoiler alert, if you haven't suffered through any or all of these messy symptoms, you probably don't have a menstruating vagina. Didn't stop me from having a hypochondriatic heart attack at all the nightmarish possibilities that title brought to mind. This is the WebMD of lists: it could just be a change of diet changing the length of your cycle, or it could be vagina cancer. You know, that old story.
Anyway, since Pinterest is an image based social media outlet, there isn't always that little blurb at the bottom or a status at the top to give you the TL;DR version of the article. They have to seduce you by image and article title alone; they essentially force you to judge the proverbial book by its metaphorical cover. And because I'm a bitter hollow husk of a late twenty-something, judging things is most of my existence.
Also, please bear in mind, I have not read a single one of these lists. This is based on visual analysis alone. Maybe the articles are great--I wouldn't know. A lot of them are from Bustle and I usually enjoy their content, so...whatever, no one's going to read this anyway. Especially after I opened with concerns about my vagina.
My interest in Pinterest (eh? eh??) has not waned, but my participation has lessened greatly now that I'm not desperate for procrastination while writing term papers. Still, every now and then I'll do the old "oh hey I haven't been on Pinterest for a while I wonder what's up just for a few minutes of course I'll just pin a couple things doo dee da doo well that was fun what time is it HOLY MOTHER OF GOD IT'S BEEN HOW LONG WHEN DID IT START SNOWING WHAT YEAR IS THIS!!" You know, that old story.
Whenever I pin my way down that rabbit hole, I find a particular string of pins that never fail to cheer me up. They all have a similar title: # ways to tell if ______; # reasons you should ______; # signs _____; or just the classic 'how to tell ______' style list. Some of the lists are actually good, probably. Maybe. Possibly? Let's face it, some of these list titles on their own would just be Facebook fodder, something I might click while eating breakfast, because who doesn't like to be scared shitless over a bowl of Kix first thing in the morning by an article such as 8 Period Symptoms You Should Get Checked Out ASAP? Spoiler alert, if you haven't suffered through any or all of these messy symptoms, you probably don't have a menstruating vagina. Didn't stop me from having a hypochondriatic heart attack at all the nightmarish possibilities that title brought to mind. This is the WebMD of lists: it could just be a change of diet changing the length of your cycle, or it could be vagina cancer. You know, that old story.
Anyway, since Pinterest is an image based social media outlet, there isn't always that little blurb at the bottom or a status at the top to give you the TL;DR version of the article. They have to seduce you by image and article title alone; they essentially force you to judge the proverbial book by its metaphorical cover. And because I'm a bitter hollow husk of a late twenty-something, judging things is most of my existence.
Also, please bear in mind, I have not read a single one of these lists. This is based on visual analysis alone. Maybe the articles are great--I wouldn't know. A lot of them are from Bustle and I usually enjoy their content, so...whatever, no one's going to read this anyway. Especially after I opened with concerns about my vagina.
Here's one hard reality: you will not look like this woman when you start, and you will also feel less like her and more like Jabba the Hutt because exercise is a garbage hobby.
They should have asked me to write this list. Here goes:
1) Your brothers gain new evidence in their arguments that you are a filthy hippie
2) You save money on hair care products
Trust me, guys. I'm an expert at this.
1) Your brothers gain new evidence in their arguments that you are a filthy hippie
2) You save money on hair care products
Trust me, guys. I'm an expert at this.
By the looks of these lovebirds, the secret to a happy relationship is uploading your soul to the intergalactic mainframe as demanded by the invading robot overlords. After a romantic brunch of updating their software, they go for a nice walk in the park. Only to have to update their software again, because let's face it, our robot overlords are going to be created by Apple.
Here's a good sign that you shouldn't get married: if you're physically running away from the alter on your wedding day, in your wedding dress, maybe this marriage thing isn't for you.
You don't have to be a genius to know that tampon mistakes are rarely--if ever--subtle. Except in this case, in which the apparent mistake is that a stranger offered to insert a tampon for her. That is a big tampon no-no.
Why go to college when you can work the same job as someone that did go to college? They'll be spending all their earnings on student loans, while you can spend yours on a graduation cap and gown to capture your disdain for higher education in a photo like this one. How ironic! That's irony, right? How would you know, you didn't go to college.
Here we have a list apparently written by someone who has never encountered its subject. Loaded potatoes? Really? I've been a nanny for many years now, and if you ever go out on a date night saying, "The kids haven't eaten yet, but I left everything you need to make loaded potatoes!" I will give them jellybeans wrapped in Fruit-by-the-Foot soaked in whiskey for dinner and not make them brush their teeth. Also I'll fart on your pillows. A lot.
Mistake #1: including that lollipop in your cunnilingus.That lollipop is huge you maniac, and full of unhealthy sugars and dyes that are terrible for your mouth-hole, nevertheless your lady-hole. What are you even using it for? You know what, don't tell me. I honestly don't want to know. Just put it down, and walk away. Then consult your gyno.
Lol well that's just the silliest thing I've ever heard.
...I stand corrected.
This one is not technically a list, but I like to imagine that his story goes something like, "Well, I'm a white man, so I can do shit like ride my bike alone across long distances and feel totally safe. I can also get away with this whole lazy Amish hipster look I've spent hundreds of dollars and hours of precision cultivating. Having that pink dick is stupendous, I highly recommend it for everyone. The end."
Oh good, because I wasn't terrified into insecurities by the other eight thousand lists targeting my lady bits. The article title says "How to tell if you're normal down there" but her blank stare and forced smile and cagey body language say "I think I just grew teeth down there but I don't want everyone to make a scene about it."
"Smoke weed 11 times. End of list."
Reasons 1-8: Besides paying bills, keeping up on household chores, practicing positive physical and mental health, maintaining healthy relationships, navigating complex social situations, fighting oppressive societal norms, searching for satisfaction in mundane jobs, and coming to terms with the existential nature of your own mortality, you probably aren't eating enough leafy greens.
This is getting fucking ridiculous. How terrible is the state of women's health education in this country to warrant so many goddamn lists about pussy health?! Besides, just look how smug this woman is, she knows everything about vaginas. She probably has a podcast about them. She's the Vaguru.
Sign #1: Did you actually carry it inside you, and then did it come out of your actual body? Then it might be your actual baby. Also you might be an actual monster.
5 things? There's really only one that I can think of. Please do his possible future female sexual partners a favor and remind him daily that all porn is lies. But wait till he's a bit older; maybe I'm just a prude, but that literal baby may be a smidgen too young to get a porno talk.
Realistically, I will probably never get married. However, I was just in a wedding two days ago and am in another one in two months, so I have witnessed firsthand the struggle of wedding planning and I'm pretty sure the way to an effortless wedding can be summed up thusly:
1) Be rich enough to be able to afford someone to do all the actual planning for you.
2) If step one is impractical, don't get married. Just don't bother.
Also, those bridesmaids look like they're trying really hard to not kill the bride for saying something like, "I hope you girls find someone, so you can be as happy as I am." Should we kill her? You're right, wait till after the reception.
Et tu, Jessica?
1) Be rich enough to be able to afford someone to do all the actual planning for you.
2) If step one is impractical, don't get married. Just don't bother.
Also, those bridesmaids look like they're trying really hard to not kill the bride for saying something like, "I hope you girls find someone, so you can be as happy as I am." Should we kill her? You're right, wait till after the reception.
Et tu, Jessica?
By the looks of this interaction, that white girl just used the phrase, "You're my n***a!" very, very incorrectly, and followed it with a, "What? Lol I'm just kidding! You know I'm not racist! I dated a black guy in college!" and that black girl is remembering why they lost contact with each other after high school.
Oh my goodness, look at this poochy pup! So many splotchy spots and tummy tickles and looky your ickle baby paws! I bet you have the sweetest puppy breath and that you give the best kisses! I'm not even going to ask who's a good boy, because it's obviously you! What's your list about, eh? 1,000 of the cutest puppies ever? 50 best dog breeds for cuddling? 9 million ways dogs are simply the best--
...
Welp, looks like I'm done here. I'm going to go cry forever, now.
If you want to actually read any of these lists, they're all saved on this board, where I save all of the weird things I might want to make fun of someday. Or shit that was meant for a different board but wound up there by accident. Never drink and pin, kids. Except always do that, it's awesome.
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