But lo, dear population. I am enlightened. I am not like you, becoming irritated beyond belief as you traverse across college campuses littered with lady stems barely covered in what, exactly? Barely anything. I could argue social-justicely that what women wear is none of your business and you should therefore shut the fuck up, especially if you are one because you're making it okay for men to do it, too. I could argue spiritually that the world is actually a beautiful place, and by allowing the frustration of silly women's fashions to weigh down your heart you're keeping yourself from experiencing true happiness. No, my pets. I'm just going to give you an honest, down-to-earth, no bullshit, and, most importantly to our generation's 5-second-rule attention span, very short list of reasons why wearing leggings as pants (LAP) is fucking awesome and why everyone as a society should accept it.
1. "She looks ridiculous."
Yeah, so does your frat-boy buddy in his college sweats for the fifth day in a row. I'll bet when sweatpants in public became a "fashion," people reacted the same way they do to LAP. You're like the people protesting racial integration in public schools or same-sex marriage, except that the marginalized population here is fighting for the right to be lazy and slutty at the same time. Eventually, you will lose, you ignorant fool, and good will triumph, and then some other silly fashion will arise and everyone will have something else to hate.
Maybe this is true for the ladies who lean towards the shy side. But if you've ever met me, then you know that I don't need any help getting attention because I'm not very smart but I'm very, very loud. If I was a racist homophobe, I'd be on Fox News. Zing!
Now, I know what you're saying: "That's not the kind of attention we're talking about, Johanna."
To which I say nurrrrr, reader. I've already covered that. I'll flaunt my body however I choose, and if the ladies want to judge me then they should either shut up, or support the decisions of their fellow vagina-bearers. If the menfolk can't handle their shit, that's not my problem. And if you think I just want attention and that bothers you, then the best way to stick it to me is to not give me attention.
The point I'm trying to make is that I know what I look like when I leave my house because I am a self-aware grown-up and I'll do what I want. Biotch.
3. "You can see everything."
I'll admit, some ladies don't seem to realize that their leggings are not opaque. And I'm not ashamed to also admit that I've been on the realization end of that. But really, on the scale of accidental nudity I've found myself in, that situation ranked pretty low. At least this time I was sober.
Anyway, while you're complaining about "seeing everything" on her body, guess what it feels like she's wearing? Nothing. And it's god damn awesome. Ever have those days that you feel like not wearing pants, so you wear sweatpants? Wrong move, buddy. LAP are the answer. She's not wearing pants? That's the whole point! When I wear my LAP and someone says something stupid like, "You know forgot to put pants on today, right?" I say, "Oh, don't worry sweetheart. I didn't forget." Or I would, if I were classy. It's really more like, "No shit, you Neanderthal. You're lucky I'm wearing anything right now." Wanting to get away with not wearing pants in public is the real reason I wear pretty dresses in the summer, as you might recall. So what is my fall and winter solution? LAP. Now if only they could somehow have pockets...
4. David Bowie
Not to say that I take all of my fashion advice from David Bowie, but here he is making LAP an acceptable fashion statement in 1986. So go ahead. Tell the man he has to change his clothes. I won't be there to rescue you from the goblin castle and the dance magic after he kidnaps you for your impertinence.
So be brave, fellow LAP wearers. Stride with pride with your LAP, and if someone makes an ignorant comment that you're not wearing real pants, just yank down their jeans or sweatpants or hammer-pants and say, "Neither are you, bitch!" (Make sure you get a tight grip if they're wearing skinny jeans. Those fuckers do not come off easy.)
For the record, I am not condoning the wearing of jeggings. Jegging wearers are closet LAP wearers and are hypocrites because almost all of them join the chorus of anti-LAP cries. If you're going to wear LAP, then wear LAP. Don't be a coward and hide under the pretense of denim, especially because you are fooling absolutely nobody.
But really, as long as there can be nothing named after the digits on a desert quadruped to be seen, LAP is perfectly acceptable. Denying them their right in society is only denying yourself access into the enlightened future of Earthly fashions.
Comic: kendrawcandraw.tumblr.com <-- check it out
Classy Horse Man: http://mcphee.com/shop/horse-head-mask.html
Mother Monster: she's Lady god damn Gaga and I've spent enough money on her CDs and concerts that I get one fucking photo.
Jareth the Goblin King: I'd pay for this one, but I don't know the exchange rate between US dollars and Goblin currency; I also have no younger siblings to trade.