I think you’ve been confusing December with April for the past few years. December is the one with snow, and April is not. I know, easy to mix up. One is at the very end of the year with songs about sleighs that require you to function and the holiday where everyone wants it to be white (that’s your cue) and the big fat guy with reindeer giving out presents to everyone but poor people–again, with the sleigh. The other is in the spring, with a rhyme about rain and the affect it has on the following months, and a bunny that comes around putting eggs in tiny places to rot throughout the year…actually, they both have pretty stupid holiday characters. But here are some things to consider:
1) the Easter Bunny will probably freeze to death hiding eggs if you come around in April again.
2) Jesus (apparently) rose from the dead for Easter, which is generally in April. You don’t want him to come back and have to brush snow off his car, do you? Bad form, Snow. Bad form.
3) You’re going to put Christmas hats off the market because you’re not around when the proper holiday calls for them. What, you think they’re tacky or something? Just because they don’t look good on you, you think you can just get rid of them? Selfish!
What I’m trying to say, and I think I speak for most people in this region of the country, is that everyone would really appreciate you more if you’d stick to your allotted months and not get all up in springtime’s business. I know you get a lot of shit, with people hating snowfall and pissing their names into you and turning you into balls and starting wars. So it’s understandable that you’d develop a complex and get confused when trying to please people. But really, Snow, think about this: would they stick around if they actually hated you? No, they would move. Probably to the equator. Because even in the south you still like to fall sometimes–which, by the way, I’ve been meaning to talk to you about that.
The point is that I feel much happier brushing snow off my car in December thinking about how the semester’s almost over and I get to go home and drink hot chocolate or go sledding, than doing the same thing in April when the semester’s almost over and I wind up homicidally pissed because I want to do is enjoy the warm spring weather and you’re just refusing to leave like the way-too-drunk guy at the bar. Only we can’t call the cops on you, and spelling inappropriate things on you actually does less than when we do it to him.
We all have flaws. I’m too pretty. You’re stubborn and self-conscious. Just do what you’ve always done–come around in December, leave sometime in March–and we’ll be cool.
Just think about it, Snow.
P.S. If you pull that whole snowing-in-May stunt again, I swear to Christ, I’m moving to the equator. And I’m going to spray aerosol cans into the air until winter is completely obliterated. I. Will. Destroy. You.